Do Your Emotions Control You?[AUDIO]

When I was a child, I regularly witnessed my father fly into fits of rage.

I did not know where the rage came from. All I saw were the effects of the rage: screaming, lancing insulting, throwing food, throwing lug nuts, wide unrepaired holes in doors and walls, and damaged property.

I also felt the after effects of that behavior: anxiety, panic, anguish, and sadness. These emotions lingered long after the rage subsided.

Those emotions then controlled my behavior: tip toeing around the house, speaking with an almost imperceptible voice, staying perfectly still, and holding in anxiety through controlled, ritualistic behavior.

The symptoms of trauma are repressed emotions longing to be released.

However, the forces that are released from emotions such as rage lead victims of violence and abuse to refuse to express those emotions because of a fear of the damage that releasing emotions can cause.

Learning to express emotions in a healthy way is how to understand what we feel.

The process of inquiry - asking the emotions that seem to inhabit our bodies what they're trying to get us to understand - allows us to dive into the emotion and rise to the surface with wisdom.

Recognizing When Emotions Trigger Behavior

During an interview with my friend Anthony Bollotta on his podcast Bollottafide, Anthony asked me to give a tip to help manage stress during the pandemic.

I explained that images, either memories, images we see online or in the news, or manufactured fearful images elicit emotions.

Those emotions - fear, anxiety, disillusionment, hate, etc. - trigger self-soothing mechanisms: phone scrolling, ritualistic behaviors such as cleaning, calling someone and complaining, breaking things, binge eating or drug/alcohol use, etc.

The trick is to take control of one's physiology and imagery before the self-soothing mechanisms are activated.

Taking a breath, in recognition that emotions are trying to teach you something, and then taking creative control of the images in your imaginal screen is the first step to transforming WHAT you feel into much needed valuable insight that will inform the best course of action.

Unfortunately, rather that doing that, people steal, abuse, lie, cheat, complain, worry, and engage in behaviors that, at first, appear to be compensatory, but only mask what we're feeling with a false sense of proactivity. Such behaviors are self-sabotaging.

You Are Not A Victim of Emotions

I was afraid of my emotions. I was afraid of the images that I saw in my mind. I was afraid of what I did not understand.

The period of postpartum depression and anxiety taught me two things A) I didn't have to be afraid of what I sensed and perceived whether in reality or in my mind and B) I can interact with and control my interpretation of and relationship with the information I received.

It's a widely known fact in political science that controlling imagery controls voter actions and decision making processes. That is why organizations like the US Chamber of Commerce employ thousands of public relations firms across the country to manufacture stories and images of fraud or injustice to incite fear in their target voter. That fear leads frightened voters to vote in favor of protecting themselves from false threats, only to vote against their interests in the long term. Identity politics and propaganda manufacturing sway voters time and time again.

Why do people metaphorically vote against themselves? Emotions can be controlling. They are specters. We will do anything to not feel a certain type of way. Even if it means limiting ourselves in an effort to put the threat of feeling bad at bay.

People who do not face their fears - more specifically, confront the emotions and examine the imagery in their imaginations - succumb to those fears.

If life is a mirror, those images that we hold onto and give power to through emotive impulse become what we eventually experience in real life.

Emotions & Health

Emotional health impacts our physical health. People who are in a constant state of anxiety, anguish, or fear, exhibit signs of discomfort such as pain spots, tension, shortness of breath, and sleeplessness. The state of anticipating pain creates a heighten sense of awareness in an effort to avoid doom, but it only creates more pain and discomfort. It becomes a never ending feedback loop of pain - anticipating pain - and generating more pain.

My years of coaching taught me that emotional intelligence is a skill that also improves our ability to recognize the psychosomatic effects of stress on the body. Louise Hay aptly described stress as the fear of life's constant changes.

Ignoring our body's cry for attention develops long term sickness and disease. Then, the illness consumes our entire life and becomes a magnum opus of spiritual, emotional and mental growth. It's one way to learn, but it's not a fun way.

Dealing with traumatic memories and unresolved emotions is the first and most productive way of addressing our health issues. Living a healthy lifestyle is a symptom of spiritual and emotional balance and shouldn't have to be the last resort, the medicine, or painful regime to fix an unhappy mind.

Taking Control of Emotions

As I mentioned during my conversation with Anthony and Alex on the Bollottafide podcast, taking control of the narrative also means recognizing where you are in life: your thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and expectations of life. Understanding all of these within context of your life circumstances gives you power over the emotions you feel on a day to day basis. And, as a result, allows you to control your choices and actions that, whether you know it or not, demonstrate what you think, feel, and believe.

When the Buddhists discuss the concept of attachment, it automatically makes me think of the beliefs and expectations that help us keep life "the same". Resistance to change is in conflict with our Buddha nature which is wisdom, growth, and change. If life is ephemeral in nature, constantly shifting and changing, then this unstoppable change constantly threatens and questions everything we believe. We have to develop an attitude that it's ok to examine everything we think and feel if we are to live healthy lives. Coming to terms with what we envision in our minds and emanate as emotional sensation throughout our body is the process of inquiry that leads to growth and amassed wisdom.

Can we do it alone? No. It's my deepest sense that we're not supposed to solve our emotional and psychological challenges on our own. Life puts other people on our path and, through our interactions with them, we work through our thought and emotional processes.

It's not that we need anyone to tell us what emotions are telling us, but to help - in a sense of midwifery - give birth to the wisdom that is to come out of the womb emotional experience.

Neville Goddard said that life is the stage of psychological dramas. We experience scene after scene of psychological drama and believe that they're just random events and experiences that somehow shape us. Rather, Goddard says, we shape our life experiences through the psycho-physiological states we generate. We have to decide whether we are victims of circumstance or the captains of change.

The Constant Examination of Beliefs & Expectations

Every day presents an opportunity of self-reflection and thorough examination of the premises by which we live our lives.

Premises can be unsound, or based on falsities. Or, they can be sound, based on truths. The search for truth is what drives us every day, whether we know it or not.

Living an honest life is not just some religious pandering designed to modify our behavior to "be good, compliant people". Living an honest life comes out of a personal sense of purity that can be radical to the very people who live their lives according to doctrine or dogma. Basing our lives on dogma and calling it "the truth" does not make it truth. Truth is the seed of birthing emotional well-being. Seeking truth and acting in truth clears away the deep internal conflicts that exist within our psyche. It allows us to achieve greater heights of personal freedom.

I told Anthony on his podcast that I'm constantly recognizing my own errors of logic and presenting my findings through my writing and my work. My life isn't a perfectly scripted Ted-Talk. And, I'm not some genius guru that knows-it-all. Rather, I explain how I got it all wrong and what I learned through the process of inquiry. The truth, I find in my life experiences, is the lotus that rises from the mud of obscurity - or challenges - so to speak.

Become A Master of Emotions

When you recognize that your emotional sensations are merely bits of information seeking to generate greater feelings of harmony, you'll discover you don't ever have to be afraid of what you feel again. More importantly, you'll discover that your emotions are not your master.

I recognized that when my dad flew into fits of rage, he was the slave to those emotions. Think of how many people you know in your life that are slaves to their emotions? Think of all of the things people do when they "feed bad": unsafe sex, risky behavior, irresponsible spending, rage fits, abuse, drug/alcohol consumption and so forth.

Developing emotional intelligence is an every day practice. The habit is of self-reflection is as important is brushing one's teeth, taking a shower, and getting a good night's sleep.

At first, it seems that it takes a lot of attention and engagement - an hour at a time, researching, or months of introspective therapy or coaching. But, eventually, it becomes a habit of simply attuning to our own inner wisdom that puts us in direct contract with the falsities that lead us astray which only crumble during the process of inquiry.

#emotionalintelligence #fear #emotions #truth

This, or Better. [AUDIO]

It's hard to imagine better for ourselves when we're so used to the same old, same old.

What we generally tend to do is remember what we experienced in the past and expect that it will happen again.

However, when it comes to visualization and creativity, what we're doing is replaying the past only to experience it again in the future.

If we fail to imagine better, if we fail to dream, if we fail to envision something totally new, we'll either get the same old thing or nothing at all.

Today, I want to explain the psychology of visualization.

Allow me to illustrate with a true, personal story.

Traumatized By One Bad Experience

One of the ways I generate long term wealth is through real estate. In one of my first properties, we had bad tenants who never paid rent on time and severely damaged it to where the repairs cost more than a year of mortgage payments and operating costs alone. So, not only did we have to pay for the mortgage and repairs, which dashed our savings, we had to deal with this from Europe after just having our first child and I was overcoming severe postpartum depression.

It was a traumatic experience for us. It prompted us to hire a property management company to seriously review the trustworthiness of each applicant and be on site to regularly inspect the premises.

This type of horror story makes would-be small time landlords afraid to invest in real estate because they simply don't have the extra income to deal with bad tenants. When people tell me their tenant horror stories, believe me, I get it.

Fast forward 8 years. That horror story never happened again. We decided that, if we couldn't find a good tenant right away, we would just pay the mortgage, insurance, utilities, maintenance, property management fees, and the expensive Homeowners Association fees, and taxes and leave the property empty until a good one came along. To us, it just wasn't worth the risk. Unfortunately, it's a costly way to lose faith in humanity...

Losing What You Believe Is The Best You'll Ever Get

Then, one of our properties became empty. We had a fantastic tenant named J who always paid on time, was a model tenant for the world, and left the property in pristine condition.

J has a pleasant personality and is very smart. He moved in needing a quality place to live while he got his career back on track after a failed venture. And he did. He moved on to fulfill a career dream and thanked us for providing a high quality, affordable place where he could do it all in tranquility. We were happy for his success, but we seriously missed him when he left.

We asked ourselves, "Where will we ever find another J?"

Month after month went by. We received many applicants for the place, but I just wasn't feeling any of them.

Many people said to me, "It's better to leave your properties empty right now because of the pandemic. People are income scarce right now and you might have a squatter."

That's a troubling thought, but it is happening out there in the world.

But, having grown up in trailers and roach infested rentals, I know what it's like to be amongst the working poor. It's conflicting to think of people that way while knowing that some people are caught in tough places. Especially children who have no choice in the matter.

I tossed out that idea.

I went to my mind to figure out why, after five months, my property was empty.

It wasn't about the pandemic.

It wasn't about the horror story in the past.

It was something else.

I mulled this question over and over in my mind. I couldn't get a logical answer.

And then, I prayed, using my subconscious instruction cards.

I let it go and hoped that an answer would pop up.

Fortunately, it did.

As I was walking about my house, I heard the answer loud and clear:

"Your property is empty because you don't believe that you can get a better tenant than J. Since J is gone, nobody else exists and therefore, nobody will fill his place."

I was shocked. Like Home Alone Aftershave Shocked.

I ran to Franck and asked him this simple question, "Do you believe we can get a better tenant than J?"

His bright swimming pool blue eyes glistened and his eyes widened. He completely understood the question.

He smiled and said, "No."

Daring To Imagine Bigger and Better

Realizing that we both created this limitation to our own success, I said, "Repeat after me: A better tenant will come to us. Better than we can imagine. J, or better!"

And so, we did, looking straight into each other's eyes (for some odd reason, this act of agreement always works magic for us) and repeated it until we felt strong and sure.

These following events happened so magically that it feels too good to be true, but it really happened.

The next day, as Franck was coming home with the kids, he came across a woman who was leaving a note on our front door.

They ended up talking. She said, "A friend of mine saw your place online and has been trying to reach you via email, but the email keeps bouncing back. She is very interested in your place."

She gave us her phone number. I immediately called her. She said she wanted our place without seeing it because she couldn't leave work to come visit. Normally, I wouldn't have done such a thing, but I told her if she filled out a background check and provided references we would accept her application; I just had a good feeling.

Within 24 hours, everything came back perfect. Stellar reference, etc. And, to make it even funnier, she only needed the place a few days a month since the nature of her work requires to be on the job around the clock.

As if a wink from a universe acknowledging our agreement to expect a better tenant:

Her friend came by recently and laughingly said, "Could you ask for a better tenant? She is almost never home, is the nicest person in the world, and always pays on time!"

If you had asked me before, I didn't even realize that I didn't believe I could have asked for better. Let alone even dare of imagining, after experiencing something what I thought was already perfect, for even better!

Fortunately, I can report, "even better" exists!

Why Do We Imagine That Things Can Get Worse, But Not Better?

It's so easy to imagine that things can get worse. It's frighteningly scary how easy we let our mind drift to the worst case scenario.

For us, the worst case scenario was our first story of a destroyed apartment. Our minds will go back to that place and we overcompensate by just accepting that, if things don't get as bad as that, then we'll be OK.

That's the wrong way to look at any situation.

Oh, we're just paying for an empty rental property. Not making any money. Let's accept that discomfort... as long as it's not as worse than before... yada yada.

We rationalize these things. It literally makes zero sense. We say we're playing it safe, but it's not smart.

The question is, why do we imagine that things CAN get worse, but NOT better?

I've seen this all the time with executive clients. They're stuck in their ways, but so long as they don't make it as worse as some trauma in the past, then all of the struggle and strain they're presently experiencing is suddenly worth it - even socially acceptable.

What a bizarre compromise.

Dare To Dream Better And You'll Do Better

I find it funny how I schooled myself on expecting better.

Whenever people ask me how I'm doing at the post office, the store, etc, I always say, "Better and better every day and in every way!"

People seem to like that because it's a paradigm shifting response.

It makes them say, "I'm going to start using that!"

But, I don't think I believed it totally until this experience with the tenant.

It's one thing to say "I expect better" and it's something totally different to KNOW that better IS YOURS NOW. Not coming around the corner, but NOW - you can't see it happening, but it's happening. It's faith in action.

That tenant had been trying to reach me for at least a week before I opened up my mind to receiving her.

When we did, the doors of our mind received her, because I know without a doubt that if we had not and received that post it note on the door, we would have tossed it out. We would have dismissed the very goodness that life wants us to have and that we wanted, but didn't believe we deserved or imagined is possible.

Say It With Me: This, Or Better!

So, with this I say: dare to dream better. Say to yourself while imagining, "This, or better!"

It can get better. Expect things to happen better than you can even imagine. Get in the habit of expecting things to get better from here on out.

Not imagining the worst case scenarios from nightmares past. Not compromising to mitigate losses.

When you lose something that you thought was already great or perfect, dare to imagine that it can actually get better. That you're upgrading in experience.

Life isn't supposed to go downhill after you believe you have reached the top.

There are vistas you haven't even dreamed existed.

There are views remaining to be discovered.

There are new heights to ascend.

It can only get better from here!

#belief #paradigms #itgetsbetter #dream #imagination

I Want Change, But Not *That* Kind of Change [AUDIO]

We all want *something* or *someone* to change in our lives, but we struggle to accept the change that comes with getting what we want.

In this blog post, I reflect on answered prayers, *getting what we want*, and accepting the change that comes with it. These reflections are based upon my own personal life experiences.

Getting What We Want In The Most Unexpected Ways

It was Ana's 36th birthday this month. We have been friends since 1998. For anyone doing the math, that's since we were thirteen years old.

I rely on my intuition to pick birthday and holiday gifts for her, even though she is like a sister to me. This birthday was one of those occasions to rely upon my intuition.

Well ahead of her birthday, I came across a Mr. Coffee drip coffee maker. I heard Spirit say, "Give it to Ana for her birthday."

Logical me questioned this directive. I thought, "That's not a fun or exciting gift..."

But every time I asked Spirit, I got the same response, "Give this coffee maker to Ana."

In obedience, I put the giant box in an even bigger birthday themed bag and covered it with tissue. Inside, I placed a birthday card with a special birthday meditation for the theme of her new personal year to inspire hope and fulfillment of her private dreams.

I arrived at the Barn where we arranged a social distanced friend to friend lunch and outdoor horse experience.

Immediately, I said to her as if to save face, "I got you a really weird gift. It's not one I would pick, but Spirit told me to give it to you, so I hope you like it."

I didn't want to wait any longer so I commanded, "Open your gift!"

She pulled the box from the bag and exclaimed in laughter, "This is exactly what I wanted!"

My jaw dropped in confoundment, "Why!?"

"Well," she said, "I have a Keurig, but since I've been working from home I wanted a giant pot of coffee to get me through the day. I had a credit on Amazon and cruised the store for weeks trying to decide what model of coffee make to get for myself..."

I listened to her story in complete awe.

"And, I got frustrated and said to myself, 'This is not something I want to buy for myself," she explained, "So I just let it go. This is exactly what I wanted!"

I've witnessed many miracles of faith before, but this was a miracle of obedience. On paper, it doesn't make sense to give a friend a home appliance that one doesn't know they want or already have. I haven't been to her apartment since the pandemic hit. There was no way that I could have known that she wanted the coffee maker.

I was in awe of how simple obedience to the intuitive direction could make her birthday so special.

Accepting What We Want - And The Change That Comes With It

Ana opened the birthday card. I included this meditation for her new personal year which I will share with you because it opened up an important conversation we shared about getting what we want in life.

This is what I was inspired to write, which is based off Joseph Murphy's saying, but I added one crucial part.

"Everything good, everything wonderful, everything beautiful, everything loving, that I want God wants me to have and accept, right now... and all the change that comes with it."

When I wrote it down one day, I heard as clear as day, "Put the part about accepting the changes that comes with everything we want."

Why?

I came to learn through experience...

Because, we all want some kind of change. We want something to come to fruition, to happen, to get better, and so forth.

We say we want change, but then when situations or people come along to incite or accelerate that change, we become resistant and say, "I want change, but not that kind of change."

The disruption to our status quo is shocking, alarming, stressful, and worrisome.

We doubt, worry, and question, "What the heck is going on?!"

We ask, "Why are things happening this way?"

2021: The Year of Accepting The Change That Comes With Answered Prayers

It's like a friend of mine who asked me to provide a job reference for him.

I had been thinking of him for two weeks, thinking, "It's time we talk." But I ignored it and kept forgetting to follow through with the directive.

Well, Spirit was right on time when he texted me two weeks later saying, "You were right about that job I accepted, it didn't work out and I'm looking for something else. Can you provide a job reference for me?"

I told him, the job worked out for the time it was supposed to because it was what he needed to get to the next step in his life. It wasn't the end all be all, but a stepping stone of his growth and professional success. And, now, whatever prayer he made in the past is now being answered. The only thing to do now is to accept the change that comes with it.

As we ate her birthday lunch, I told Ana that 2020 was the year of "Answered Prayers" and that 2021 is the year of "Accepting The Change" that comes with those fulfilled prayers.

She said I was right, because in 2020, she needed time to take care of a health issue and felt her commute was prohibiting her from doing it. The quarantine gave her the time to leverage her health insurance and flex time to get her health on track. It was exactly what she wanted.

Is quarantine fun? No. But we must start seeing the "inconveniences", the "disruptions" of life and remember what purpose they serve in the answering of our prayers.

When Life Forces Us To Accept Change - Even When It Seems Unwanted

Franck reflecting on his life changes.

Getting personal, my husband was laid off during the pandemic. He had a severance package and the clock was ticking. He had many, many interviews, and applied for almost 700 jobs. While, thank God, money was not a core issue for us, for him, he had to think about why he needed to get laid off in the first place.

He confessed that he had hung his soul on a hook at the start of every work day. He felt that he had no future there. The commute was over 2 hours a day. He was simply over trying to make it work. He wanted something closer, a salary that kept up with inflation, and work with people who valued and appreciated him.

Then, it hit him. He remembered what his prayer was. It was a prayer we said together on a drive through he winding roads of Ramona on the way to our wine club grape picking ceremony. We said together, "Franck makes a lavish, steady, dependable income consistent with integrity and mutual benefit." We said it together, out loud, over and over until it felt strong.

Shortly after, he was laid off. Like clock work.

While it started off nicely, the job evolved into a kind in which there existed no mutual benefit. He was harassed at work. They didn't pay promised bonuses.

In order for him to get the change he wanted, he had to let go of what he didn't want - even if it feels safe, dependable, and consistent. But, he wasn't just going to quit without a new job in hand. Life had to force him to accept the change. Hence, the lay off.

And, so in the most ironic fashion - he didn't take a job within a company that he applied for. None. Zip. Zero.

A competitor called him out of the blue, asked him if he'd consider a job opportunity they created just for him. They met him years ago, remembered him, and knew he would be perfect for the project.

It was what he asked for.

After two meetings, he was hired. He works from home, gets paid a fantastic salary, and works with people who express how much they appreciate him.

Remembering what we ask for

Now, I wish I could say how simple, easy, and chill this three month process was.

It's not fun watching the love of your life, the father of your children, your personal champion to struggle with what, for him, felt like an existential crisis. He was doing his best to figure out what to do, while maintaining normalcy for our children, and keeping this secret from our entire family and friends. We didn't tell anyone that he was laid off until after he was hired.

The whole time, he tried to figure out what was the catalyst for this major life change. When he figured it out, he felt more comfortable with living in the ambiguity that each day without a job creates.

He spent that time facing down his fears and insecurities related to his career. It was a "Come to God moment". However, I must say that such moments are merely coming face to face with oneself.

It's easy to panic, to fight, to blame. It takes a lot of personal strength and courage to say, "Something is happening for me, not to me," and continue walking in full faith in what seems to be the wilderness.

When my friend who was looking for a new job reached out, I offered some words of encouragement, "I believe God answers all of our prayers. We just need to remember, when God is answering them, what we asked for in the first place."

I said to Ana that the change, the disruption, the ambiguity and uncertainty is like the Hindu god Shiva destroying everything so we can build anew.

[In the video below, you'll see me singing with the chorus of my church's gospel music portion. AND, you'll also see our assistant Pastor Kevin talk about "walking in the wilderness". It really touched Franck during the time he was laid off, and he thinks it'll inspire you, too."]

What Resistance To The Change We Asked For Looks Like

Oh, God, we are so afraid of all of these things. We resist change. Resistance manifests through sickness, anxiety, worry, and accidents. We are forced to accept change through what we call "misfortune". Car accidents, sudden illness, conflict, fall out, bankruptcy, lay offs, etc.

We must embrace unexpected change if we are to embrace the change we actually want.

During this process, we have to face down emotions that we didn't even dream we were capable of feeling. One such emotion, for me, was disillusionment. I also had to come to terms during this process of letting go of the compromises in my health, happiness, and relationships to get crumbs of the illusions that I thought I was going to receive in return. That's some real talk, but it just goes to show that all of us have so much more growing to do.

The thing that saved me the most during this time was doing two things: praying (putting my mind on and affirming the good that is available to me now) and acting in faith (confiding in trusted friends - Dr. Michelle Dexter being one - acting on those spirit nudges like I did with Ana's birthday gift, and treating others right even it seems like they don't deserve it).

Make 2021 Your Year of Accepting Change

As I wrote in my book The Money Formula: change is the only constant.

Everything is constantly changing whether or not we recognize it or care to admit it. We are changing. The world is changing. Life is changing. People are changing.

They say that change is hard.

Maybe it is.

But, I posit, what if maybe change doesn't have to be that hard?

Trust.

Faith.

Remembering.

Where does change come from?

Us.

Own it.

Honor it.

Embrace it.

Because, if it comes from you, it can't be bad.

#change #personalchange #empowerment