“8 years old.”
I kept hearing this phrase for two months.
I didn’t know why. All I knew was that a small part of me felt sad.
I worked with that sadness for two months like a spiritual scavenger hunt.
I worked on the feelings and thoughts surrounding this sadness using energy healing techniques. When I got to the end of the protocol, Spirit told me that work on the matter was still not done.
It wasn’t a simple fix. I had to persist. I heard in a dream, “Normalize doing things that take a significant amount of time.”
In energy healing, many healers and their clients want and expect fast healing results. So much so, that if clients don’t experience a transformation in one session, then they think the healing - and more importantly - the practitioner didn’t do their job properly; if at all.
Healing takes time. It takes undoing a powerful combination of limiting beliefs and false assumptions that create our mental and emotional atmosphere. The process ultimately changes behaviors created by unloving programming. In short, if you want to see yourself behave differently, you have to work on the “code” that programs the behaviors. To change the output, change the input. Subconscious programming can run very, very deep and to the point that you feel it but don’t have a conscious awareness of what that programming is. All you know is that you feel sad, hurt, anxious, worried and so forth.
Emotions are the language of the subconscious mind.
When you feel a strong, uncontrollable emotion, your brain is trying to tell you that a subconscious program has taken over your nervous system. Your spirit, conversely, is raising to your awareness that you can and should do something about it.
In my case, I felt sad for months. Not persistently, but just in moments when I shouldn’t be sad, like when I was relaxing in bed or thinking about a work thing. On paper, I had nothing to be sad about, but I could feel it. In some moments, the sadness was overwhelming. In others, I didn’t feel it at all. It was like a cloud that moved in and out of me.
During the course of two months, I worked every day on the feeling and the woven web of interrelated false assumptions that created the overarching structure of this feeling.
Prayer, reiki, exercise, talk therapy, Silva methods, Dr. Fink relaxation methods, neurolinguistic programming, energy psychology. I ran the gamut of healing protocols to unravel the feelings and thoughts associated with this sadness.
Day by day, I felt better and better. I gained greater and greater self-awareness and compassion. I let go of a lot of tension, fears, and worries. I also let go of anger.
I heard in my dreams:
“I have no more use for anger.”
”I don’t have to worry anymore.”
”Let go of the tension.”
”God will never abandon me”
Day by day, I sat with myself, listened to myself, worked with myself. I gave myself loving attention and accepted some of the ways I felt - such as hating myself for my intuitive abilities - and really come to terms about what actually bothered me which was not liking how I could feel the emotional turmoil in others.
Then, one day, while meditating using the Silva method, it all became very, very clear:
8 years old: The age that I no longer felt a part of my family.
Since then, I felt like a total outcast. I never felt understood by my parents. How could I? They were too busy misunderstanding themselves and each other to even attempt to understand me. I felt that family was just an amalgamation of people who attempted to control your behavior and belief systems through authority and dominance. I genuinely believed that family was just a DNA similarity rather than an personal connection.
When I married my husband, Franck, I finally felt like a part of a family. I didn’t feel like a part of his family until I met his grandparents who treated me like family and I stopped feeling like a part of his family when his grandparent’s died. I felt his mother treated my husband and I as an inconvenience because she always said she preferred being her friends than visiting her own grandchildren. It was worsened when my husband revealed his childhood sexual assault experience to her and she said absolutely nothing to him about the matter. We all have family members who say and do things like this and it makes us ask the question, “What’s the point of family if people are going to act like this?”
When I reunited with one of my brothers and met his partner, I felt like we created our own version of family. It felt like we could finally start a new family on our terms. I felt hope like I never had before.
But there was a bigger, lingering issue. The sad feeling started after I visited Florida and reunited with all my old colleagues from my very last job before I started my career as a coach. I cried because I missed them as people and as the team we had. It felt like family because we really looked out for each other inside and outside of the office. These are the people who gave me a place to live when I had no place to live. They fed me, gave me money, and took care of me when my own family couldn’t and frankly, wouldn’t. I was so very proud that we all accomplished so much since the time we worked together. I missed that environment very much.
When I realized that I lost that feeling of family at 8 years old something miraculous happened: I had flashbacks. A lot of flashbacks.
I saw all the times that I had helped broken families.
I helped all the parents I helped to reunite with their estranged children.
I saw the children who were molested by their own fathers and family members.
I saw the fathers who I helped to orient their lives from workaholism to family.
I saw the kids whose parents were lost to violence, mental illness and substance abuse and how they could let go of the painful memories.
I saw the husbands and wives who were cheated on and betrayed by their spouses.
I saw the marriages I had helped save and the children I helped from getting neglected and abused.
I saw all the people who benefited by my knowing of what it feels like to be in a broken family and the love that poured out of my heart to assist these families to reconnect with each other.
Spirit showed me that I personally, hands on helped about 6,000 people.
I heard the message in my awareness, “This moment, at eight years old, you began your journey to help broken families. This is why you embarked upon this solo path and why you were not meant to find a regular job. All of this is your work.”
Normally, when I see myself having lived for so long with a limiting belief I feel a sense of sadness and regret for having “sinned”. That is, missed the mark of what I was attempting to achieve. But not in this instance. I felt as if so many questions had been answered. I wondered for years why I didn’t work for a company or didn’t get hired for certain jobs when I was the perfect fit. I wondered why I worked for years on my own; totally alone, it sometimes felt.
I felt a huge relief; A complete understanding.
I finally felt a connection to the human family.
I realized that family is not a group of people. It’s an environment.
Family is an environment in which everyone is valued, loved, respected and that each member plays a role in creating an environment where each individual can thrive. And, as a result, everyone thrives.
Family is a mental environment, an emotional environment, and a spiritual environment oriented towards growth for all members.
With these realizations, I fell asleep. I woke up and the sad feelings was gone. I felt clear and free. I felt motivated and accomplished plenty of projects that I had put off.
Yes, it took me time - a lot of time - to get to the bottom of these feelings. Sometimes - not always - it does take a significant amount of time. It doesn’t mean you’re depressed or that something is wrong with you. It means that something deep inside you is working itself out and is grabbing your conscious attention to help it along.
If you find yourself during a period of healing - that is, when you feel emotional, vulnerable, reflective, and full of a desire to “feel better” - consider this a period of growth. You will gain during this period greater self-awareness as well as compassion for yourself and others. You will lose all the limiting beliefs, false assumptions, and psychic wounds that had caused you to feel hurt. It is safe to go on the healing scavenger hunt. You’ll find along the way many lessons and newfound knowing.
With that, I leave one final thought that Spirit said to me during these months, “Emotional stability does not mean that you only feel one type of way all the time. It means that you deal with your emotions in a consistent, growth oriented way.”
Have you ever had to sit with yourself for a while to come to understand your own feelings?
Are you patient with yourself as you undergo a period of personal growth?
Do you recognize when you are in a period of personal growth?
Let me know in the comments.